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Useless: News |
Updated most days
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Archer claims
Conservative-itis |
9th June: story by Bart
Malik
During his trial for perjury, the
defence counsel for Lord Archer stated yesterday that his
client could not be found guilty as charged, as he was
suffering at the time from 'Conservative-itis'. He provided
medical evidence of the condition, claiming that the
condition induced in Lord Archer "a desire to cheat, lie and
generally consort in a conspicuously inept manner". He
further claimed that Lord Archer was acting at the time
under the influence of Conservative-itis and cannot be held
responsible for his actions. The trial continues.
7th June: story by Bart
Malik
Liberal Democrat leader Charles
Kennedy yesterday made his 'summing-up speech' in the Lib
Dem's home ground of Yeovil - he reiterated his party's
stance on Europe, schools, health, and immigration. He
finished his speech by saying "look, we've done all that and
managed not to mention Proportional Representation once. Oh
shit." He was then hurried out by his security team into his
waiting battle-bus, a converted 1977 Hillman
Avenger.
7th June: story by Bart
Malik
In a last ditch attempt yesterday to
get around voter apathy and get people into the polling
booths, Tony Blair made a personal appeal to the country,
pledging "New Labour means new lies".
He went on to add that in the event of his government
attaining a second term, they would demonstrate "scheming,
gerrymandering, rigging and fixing on a scale previously not
thought possible". He added that new guidelines on
government transparency would make it clear that the Labour
party is "as transparent as they get".
March 23rd: Bart
Malik
Following on from February's
ground-breaking referendum in Bristol, in which residents
were asked to decide between "paying more tax and hiring
teachers" and "paying less tax and firing teachers", the
Government has announced a similar, nationwide referendum.
Voters will be asked to decide between "Democracy,
in which you'll have to do all that nasty electing business"
and "Dictatorship, in which we'll take care of all the
difficult things, leaving you more time to watch Ground
Force".
The public is expected to heavily favour the
no-work dictatorship option in the forthcoming poll.
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Cuban Stars to Play UK
Concert |
March 20th: Bart
Malik
Cuban music collective the Buena Vista
Social Club are to follow in the footsteps of the Manic
Street Preachers and play a pro-democracy benefit concert in
London.
A spokesman for the group, who shot to fame
in the wake of Wim Wenders' eponymous 1999 documentary on
them, is quoted as saying "they heard about the situation in
your country and have pledged to do all they can to help".
The group were understood to be shocked at
conditions in Britain, citing the rapidly disintegrating
public transport system, and the large scale slaughter of
livestock "for no apparent reason".
EU
Commissioner-in-Chief Jacques-Jacques 'Jacques' Jacques has
condemned the gig as a "feeble publicity stunt". He
continued "If Britain persists in promoting this
revolutionary 'rock and roll' music, we may have no choice
but to impose sanctions".
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Don't Stand So Close To
Me |
March 18th: Bart
Malik
In a bid for much-needed votes in the 'Thick
Non-discerning No-brainer' demographic, the government are
looking into alternative election schemes.
One
system, believed to be favoured by the Blair-Campbell camp,
is the 'Touch the Man in the Street' contest, closely based
around the recent Channel 5 series 'Touch the Truck'.
In the new version, a representative member of the
public is placed in a shopping centre in the selected
constituency, and the candidates must gather round and touch
him or her continuously for a week, without falling asleep.
The last one with their hand still on the person after a
week is returned to Parliament.
The government are
in talks with Sky to host the live broadcasts, after Channel
5 turned it down on the grounds that it was "far too tacky
for us".
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